Sunday, April 21, 2013 10:43 PM
this slight melancholy.
it's been awhile but the rain, the sweets, the talk. fragments of feelings are coming back, or are they just resurfacing after being varnished over for so long?
the world is a beautiful place.
there is no doubt about that.
the splendour of a hibiscus plant with each pale pink petal
a delicate tissue of veins;
those veins that snake up this uncharted yet familiar territory.
and your scent that lingers in the air for days to come.
or was that just another fancy of mine?
i long to be able to express myself in words again. words that dripped out of my veins, dark and potent, if only in my mind. where verse and prose mingled and the boundaries of genres dissolved: when i was still a mystery to myself, when periods were never meant for the ends of sentences and commas were merely decorative.
now that things are laid bare
(on whitewashed herringbone floors)
i wonder if progress has even be made
or if all this time i was fighting against the wrong current
green light. show yourself,
remind me of the green beast that grows and nurtures all dreams,
who once held me close to her breast
and whispered visions in my ear
Saturday, April 06, 2013 10:23 AM
rejection sensitivity is the tendency to think that significant others are on the verge of socially rejecting oneself (Downey & Feldman, 1996). therefore, anxiously expect, readily perceive, and intensely react to possible social rejections. draws from attachment theory (anxious-ambivalent types), it is a form of interpersonal cognition on how early childhood experiences of rejection and neglect can lead people to anxiously expect that people will inevitably reject them in the future
people high in rejection sensitivity are hyper-vigilant for possible rejection cues even when the behaviour exhibited by significant others are ambiguous or innocuous. high rejection sensitivity persons also show a tendency to respond to rejection with greater negativity - get into fights with their partners if they felt highly rejected the day before and to engage in hostile behaviour towards their partners in conflict discussions (self-fulfilling prophecy)
the theory on rejection sensitivity relies heavily on ideas from the social-cognitive approach: concept of chronic accessibility - anxious expectations of social rejections are salient; CAPS theory - if not cues of possible rejection, then caring and friendly. if cues of possible rejection are present, then hurtful and hostile; apparent disparate patterns of behaviour is not a result of a fragmented personality, but is actually coherent under a single underlying system
Friday, November 09, 2012 9:03 PM
i thought that this would be another one of those awkward rides home, where two people who obviously recognised each other pretended that the other didn't exist. after all, we have never spoken, not even tentative smiles on the way up and down. and there was also the question of the other person who was trying his best to avoid looking in my direction. so all in all, an extremely awkward ride.
we got off at the same stop, you pressing the bell and allowing me to alight first. we sat on separate benches. and i continued reading my notes while you flipped through your book. the bus came and you flagged it down before rushing to the upper deck. i didn't see the point in walking up the stairs since we would be alighting soon anyway.
we got off and the rain fell. i pulled out my umbrella and wondered if i should ask if you needed shelter back to the block. but you pulled your hoodie over your head and rushed out into the rain. i tried catching up with you but you were just too fast. but then again, who wouldn't be in that rain and with just a hoodie as protection?
at the lobby, you held the door open for me, and before i could stretch out my hand to press the button, you pressed my button before yours. how did you know which floor i lived at? perhaps you were just that more attentive to details than i will ever be. and all that was left was a feeling of perhaps, i should have tried harder, neighbour of many years.
Sunday, April 01, 2012 2:16 AM
did cinderella leave the ball at 12 or did she leave after? i always wondered what would happen if her transformation happened right in front of the prince. would he have run away screaming because rags just never goes with riches? or would he understand that she still is the same girl and she never had the intention of lying to him? of course, reality checks never really go well with fairytales. but it never hurts to wonder. especially on late bus rides home, when the passengers are quiet with sleep and the lights twinkle for no one but themselves.
it's been a long time since i've had such a late night out. but i appreciate the quiet after the craziness, a peaceful passage through the deserted town. it's always much prettier and melancholic during christmas. but tonight, was different.
it's not so much the fact that it was past midnight, the witching hour. it was more of the fact that amongst the many on the bus, i was alone, wrapped up in my thoughts, nothing to break the reverie except perhaps a soulful tune filtering through the artificial membranes.
it's been a long time since i've thought. about everything and nothing. it's been a long time since i've contemplated my thoughts and it was nice to know that not everything has to be bundled up along in the hustle of life.
i guess, what i'm saying is, it's been a long time since i was alone.
Thursday, February 16, 2012 12:01 PM
i just wish for more tolerance and understanding from everyone. it's not that difficult, really. just stop and think before proceeding with anything, if it could potentially be misunderstood or might cause others to be uncomfortable.
i know it's rich coming from me, about stopping to think because i'm always rushing headlong into everything but religion is a sensitive issue for everyone because each individual BELIEVES in whatever they believe in and it is always beliefs that are so easily threatened. so i am not condoning whatever insensitivities the christian community has committed ever since the first days of the early church. but what i do hope for is for others to realise that most insensitivities are done by only a small handful of black sheep. there is NO point in raging at the wider community because most of us aren't even aware of what happened and we might not even agree with what has been done.
secondly, these insensitivities are probably not done on purpose. i don't think anyone really wants to go all out to offend others because that's just contrary to whatever intent of the original message. just think, what is the point in offending others when what you really want to do is get your message across? so i do hope that everyone can understand that these mistakes are really just honest mistakes. no one is criticising your beliefs, or threatening your worldviews. they just probably want to share their beliefs to raise awareness, and in this case, to encourage people (other christians really) to help share their cause.
evangelising really is a tricky business because as christians, we have been tasked to spread the gospel to the far ends of the earth. this is possibly why christianity has been attacked constantly by others because we are one of the few religions who actually needs to go out and share the word. it is inevitable that others will be offended when we try to share our beliefs because no one likes to hear that their beliefs might not be the best because everyone believes in something, thinking that it's the best option available. but i do sincerely believe that evangelising can be done sensitively without offending others. and it is only through this that it is possible that others can actually listen to our beliefs and values and decide if it is true for them as well, instead of being turned off right at the very first word. pray and commit every evangelical deed, or even any mention of christian notions to non-christians, to God and trust in Him to speak through us. i believe that it is only through the right attitudes of leaving everything to God that any christian message can be shared. human effort is just not enough because we always fail to see when and how we are crossing the line.
in the end, we are only channels for God.
Sunday, October 09, 2011 11:03 PM
ohmygoodness. how cute are these?(:
on a separate note, many revelations have been made in the past few weeks. i feel myself growing up, and fast. as of now, i do not like the changes. but i suspect that with time, as with all else, i will end up okay in my own skin. but for now, the self doubt is very much in the foreground and i know that in the end the answer will be very simple. just that i do not wish to look it squarely in the eye yet.
in the end, i always hit the same brick walls over and over again. it doesn't take a genius to figure out why and how but it sure takes a stubborn idiot, i.e. me, to run into the same walls time and time again. so much so, that i am so used to the bumps from the walls that i refuse to stop running into them anyway. creature of habit, taken to a whole new level.
whatever it is, i really should stop bruising myself for the sake of it
Sunday, August 21, 2011 9:38 PM
it's been a long time.
maybe it's time to be back.
at least this time i won't be alone(:
