and you will keep me safe, and you will keep me close, and rain will make the flowers grow

a little fall of rain
rhoda. 22. nus. fass. choir. sing(:

can hardly hurt me now


this rain will wash away what's past
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i'll sleep in your embrace at last
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Saturday, July 12, 2014 11:11 PM


"Beauty - the beauty Peter craves - is this, then: a human bundle of accidental grace and doom and hope. Mizzy must have hope, he must, he wouldn't shine like this if he were in true despair, and of course he's young, who in this world despairs more exquisitely than the young, it's something the old tend to forget. Here he is, Ethan aka the Mistake, shameless and wanton, addicted, unable to want whatever it is he believes he's supposed to want. This would be the moment to do him in bronze, to try to capture the aching raw nerves of him, the all-but-unbearable final stages of his youth shimmer, as he beings to understand that his condition, like everybody's, is serious, but before he begins to take the necessary steps to live semipeaceably in the actual world.

In the meantime, he needs not to die."
- "By Nightfall"

maybe this is why i like reading modernist works, despite the doom and gloom about them, the futility in their struggles, the never-ending circles. because it makes me believe that there is purpose and beauty in the struggle. Nothing may ever come out of it, but it is the process that is where the essence is. Not in the way the adage goes of process and not the end product that matters; even if the process is absolute crap, like Mizzy, wandering in circles, never quite knowing what to do with himself, that alone, that wandering, that wanting of something not quite known to oneself, that, is where the essence of living is.

sounds a bit weird when thinking about religion and the purpose of life. but i believe that the two are reconcilable, for it is not really us going out doing the Work, but Him, isn't it? we just flounder about, trying, and beauty happens.

that said, i do need to get that better incorporated into my living. not to say that i should drop out of life and go after every bubble that catches my fancy, rather, i should try, and try hard. regardless of the futility of trying, the hard knocks, the disappointments, and failures, try.

there's really no need in striving for perfection, to be genius in itself, a painting in the classical style or whatever it is - perfection is in trying, for when trying, one is elevated into beauty, not by oneself, but by the very Hand that guides and lifts.

it's hard trying to translate that to reality though, what with the daily grind and constant scrutiny, etc. there always will be the panic that one is not doing enough, that one is just not good enough. but, take a step back, and breathe. for remember, you will never be good enough, you will never do enough, but in simply being, one can be.

Friday, March 14, 2014 10:32 PM


i think that in the end, we always reinforce negative behaviour. it just is so easy, and tempting. always that mentality of "i need to win back so-and-so's favour". just so, intuitive, you know?

but in the end, i think we really need to sit down and think about the big picture. just how many times can one give in to coercive negative behaviour before the other party is spoilt beyond redemption? of course, no one truly is beyond redemption. but why would anyone want to let their loved ones go through all the hard knocks in life that comes with being spoilt?

some days, it feels like it's only me

Thursday, March 13, 2014 6:01 PM



Being headstrong never gets you anywhere. I wish I could have that tattooed in my mind somewhere, ingrained into my s-r reactions, strengthened in my neurons. It's just so easy to forget, that everything is small when taken in perspective, and that proving a point isn't necessary all the time.

Letting others win and giving them chances to air their views are just as important. Maybe even more. Because that is when love begins to show - when you can put aside your own preconceived notions to embrace others'. That's not bending yourself to fit others. That's respect. And it's something that everyone deserves. 

Thursday, September 12, 2013 11:25 PM

and now i'm all alone again
nowhere to turn, no one to go to
without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to
and now the night is near

Saturday, July 06, 2013 3:34 PM

Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep, oh, oh
Things you never say to me, oh, oh
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
(Oh, we had everything)
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everythin'
And it's all in your mind
(Yeah, but this is happenin')

You've been havin' real bad dreams, oh, oh
You used to lie so close to me, oh, oh
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh, our love, our love

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh, tear ducts and rust
I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust
But our love's enough
You're holding it in
You're pouring a drink
No nothing is as bad as it seems
We'll come clean

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, we can learn to love again
Oh, oh, that we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again



Friday, July 05, 2013 9:06 PM


and i can live inside my head

Sunday, April 21, 2013 10:43 PM


this slight melancholy.

it's been awhile but the rain, the sweets, the talk. fragments of feelings are coming back, or are they just resurfacing after being varnished over for so long?

the world is a beautiful place.
there is no doubt about that.
the splendour of a hibiscus plant with each pale pink petal
a delicate tissue of veins;
those veins that snake up this uncharted yet familiar territory.
and your scent that lingers in the air for days to come.

or was that just another fancy of mine?

i long to be able to express myself in words again. words that dripped out of my veins, dark and potent, if only in my mind. where verse and prose mingled and the boundaries of genres dissolved: when i was still a mystery to myself, when periods were never meant for the ends of sentences and commas were merely decorative.

now that things are laid bare
(on whitewashed herringbone floors)
i wonder if progress has even be made
or if all this time i was fighting against the wrong current

green light. show yourself,
remind me of the green beast that grows and nurtures all dreams,
who once held me close to her breast
and whispered visions in my ear