juzletgo

2011-10-09T23:03:00.005+08:00

ohmygoodness. how cute are these?(:

on a separate note, many revelations have been made in the past few weeks. i feel myself growing up, and fast. as of now, i do not like the changes. but i suspect that with time, as with all else, i will end up okay in my own skin. but for now, the self doubt is very much in the foreground and i know that in the end the answer will be very simple. just that i do not wish to look it squarely in the eye yet.

in the end, i always hit the same brick walls over and over again. it doesn't take a genius to figure out why and how but it sure takes a stubborn idiot, i.e. me, to run into the same walls time and time again. so much so, that i am so used to the bumps from the walls that i refuse to stop running into them anyway. creature of habit, taken to a whole new level.

whatever it is, i really should stop bruising myself for the sake of it

2011-08-21T21:38:00.002+08:00

it's been a long time.

maybe it's time to be back.

at least this time i won't be alone(:

2011-06-16T17:46:00.002+08:00

and all we ever search for in life is symmetry, the beauty in a flower, the ratios of our features, the balance of our lives, the missing pieces that will make everything whole. still, we shouldn't tear at our edges to try to fit that perfect piece we find, because then, nothing will ever fit. but i digress.

the perfection we seek au naturel really is in the simple things, and i need this time to sit and reassess myself, my priorities, and revel in the beauty around me.

2011-04-30T21:35:00.003+08:00

I Dreamed A Dream

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
As they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

2011-04-12T18:05:00.003+08:00

it's pouring again.

i love the slightly gloomy weather, the rumble of the thunder as if ruminating on the transience of life. the cutting off from others as one is cooped up in the little cubicle, surrounded by the grey-green light filtering through the trees and rain.

and the promise of perhaps a cup of cocoa somewhere in a cosy nook with the warm smells of roasting beans and the chatter as life rushes by. i guess that's what i like most about rainy days. the promise of warmth and cheer somewhere at the end of it all.

but as of now, i will sit and watch the rain drops fall as the earth lurches away from the sun.

2011-04-03T00:14:00.001+08:00

and everyday should be like this(:

2011-03-27T21:16:00.002+08:00

so, do i run away or towards? hmm.. wait, why am i even contemplating this question? really should be doing something productive like, erm, i don't know, making english notes or preparing for biology lecture, or something. but no no no. i am online, blogging about absolutely nothing in particular, all for the sake of escaping into a fantasy world where there are NO EXAMS. or academia for that matter.

and continuing in this vein, i do so want to get married in a perfectly small and white chapel with wooden pews(: and a green and white wedding sounds absolutely delicious, no?

2011-03-12T17:26:00.003+08:00

Perhaps one thing that binds our church together is the presence of much illnesses within our midst. The consistent reminder that life is mortal as a result of the sin-cursed world we live in is very real and very sobering. Since two church camps ago, we have come to the 'alarming' realization, that God meant for suffering and affliction for the good of His own. That is God's way of removing our dependence upon ourselves and allowing us to seek and see His face. Sure, we have been given all spiritual blessings from above [Ephesians] but suffering and affliction is a blessing when we see where God is leading us eventually - towards the likeness of Christ and Himself. It's a tough truth to swallow especially since we have been taught that blessings are a measurement of our obedience to Christ. But strange that we have never once considered that Christ who was perfectly obedient to God, even to the death of the cross - was given a humble title of a man of sorrow and suffering.

- -

sobering, really. time to shift my focus back to Him

2011-02-24T17:39:00.010+08:00

because all these little moments came flooding back this rainy evening(:

2011-02-23T10:37:00.004+08:00

I was shooting a scene in my new film, No Strings Attached, in which I say to Natalie Portman,

"If you miss me, you can’t text, you can’t email, you can’t post it on my Facebook wall. If you really miss me, you come and see me."

I began to think of all of the billions of intimate exchanges sent daily via fingers and screens, bouncing between satellites and servers. With all this texting, emailing, and social networking, I started wondering, are we all becoming so in touch with one another that we are in danger of losing touch?

It used to be that boy met girl and they exchanged phone numbers. Anticipation built. They imagined the entire relationship before a call ever happened. The phone rang. Hearts pounded. “Hello?” Followed by a conversation that lasted two hours, but felt like two minutes and would be examined with friends for two weeks. If all went well, a date was arranged. That was then.

Now we exchange numbers, but text instead of call because it mitigates the risks of early failure and eliminates those deafening moments of silence. Now anticipation builds. Bdoop. “It was NICE meeting u.” Both sides overanalyze every word. We talk to a friend, an impromptu Cyrano: “He wrote nice in all caps. What does that mean? What do I write back?” Then we write a response and delete it 10 times before sending a message that will appear to care, but not too much. If all goes well, a date will be arranged.

Whether you like it or not, the digital age has produced a new format for modern romance, and natural selection may be favoring the quick-thumbed quip peddler over the confident, ice-breaking alpha male. Or maybe we are hiding behind the cloak of digital text and spell-check to present superior versions of ourselves while using these less intimate forms of communication to accelerate the courting process. So what’s it really good for?

There is some argument about who actually invented text messaging, but I think it’s safe to say it was a man. Multiple studies have shown that the average man uses about half as many words per day as women, thus text messaging. It eliminates hellos and goodbyes and cuts right to the chase. Now, if that’s not male behavior, I don’t know what is. It’s also great for passing notes. There is something fun about sharing secrets with your date while in the company of others. Think of texting as a modern whisper in your lover’s car.

Sending sweet nothings on Twitter or Facebook is also fun. In some ways, it’s no different than sending flowers to the office: you are declaring your love for everyone to see. Who doesn’t like to be publicly adored? Just remember that what you post is out there and there’s some stuff you can’t un-see. But the reality is that we communicate with every part of our being, and there are times when we must use it all. When someone needs us, he or she needs all of us. There’s no text that can replace a loving touch when someone we love is hurting.

We haven’t lost romance in the digital age, but we may be neglecting it. In doing so, antiquated art forms are taking on new importance. The power of a hand-written letter is greater than ever. It’s personal, deliberate, and means more than an email or text ever will. It has a unique scent. It requires deciphering. But, most importantly, it’s flawed. There are errors in handwriting, punctuation, grammar, and spelling that show our vulnerability. And vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say,

“This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more importantly, all that I am not.”

— Ashton Kutcher

reposted from The Original Online Glossy

but i hate being vulnerable):

though i guess it is a necessity to foster trust and a truly unbreakable bond. though it is extremely difficult.

and if i'm going to keep reposting things, maybe i should get a tumblr. hmm..

2011-02-23T10:23:00.004+08:00

The Only Exception

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now

I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

and somehow i find this on repeat

oh for courage to actually say what i think and not hide behind smokescreens anymore

2011-02-08T09:16:00.002+08:00

"To answer this psychologically, Karen Horney believed that there are 3 neurotic trends, one of which is "moving away from people" to defend against isolation. In order to defend themselves against being dependance, a person will try to develop self-sufficiency. So to answer your question, a person might push people away when they need them in order to alleviate the fear of depending on others. To dumb it down a little bit, they try fight the fear of being alone, by trying to become ok with being alone."

"You may have been badly hurt in the past and do not have much self-worth. Subconsciously, you may be testing the other person and seeing how they react. You may think that if they really love you they will accept you as you are. Possibly you are hurting them before they get chance to hurt you.
Whatever the reason, it is likely to affect you in every relationship. At least you recognise the problem and want to do something about it."

- The Original Online Glossy

true, that.

2011-01-30T17:41:00.002+08:00

and fear is an illogical thing.

that, i know. still, i can't seem to be able to shake off my fears. because it's illogical? and i think everyone is just sick and tired of hearing me talk about my same old fears over and over again. but they still haunt me and i wish that i'll be able to throw them away just like last year's jeans.

okay, maybe not. considering i have jeans that are more than five years old. lol.

2011-01-27T22:26:00.002+08:00

oh and isn't he just about the cutest boy ever? (:

2011-01-27T22:08:00.003+08:00

That's How You Know

How does she know you love her?

How does she know she's yours?

How does she know that you love her?

How do you show her you love her?

How does she know that you really, really, truly love her?

How does she know that you love her?

How do you show her you love her?

How does she know that you really, really, truly love her?

It's not enough to take the one you love for granted

You must remind her or she'll be inclined to say

How do I know he loves me?

How do I know he's mine?

Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind?

Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey?

He'll find a new way to show you, a little bit everyday

That's how you know, that's how you know

He's your love

You got to show her you need her

Don't treat her like a mind reader

Each day do something to need her

To believe you love her

Everybody wants to live happily ever after

Everybody wants to know their true love is true

How do you know he loves you?

How do you know he's yours?

Well does he take you out dancing just so he can hold you close?

Dedicate a song with words in just for you?

He'll find his own way to tell you, with the little things he'll do

That's how you know, that's how you know

He's your love, he's your love

That's how you know he loves you

That's how you know it's true

Because he'll wear your favourite colour just so he can match your eyes

Rent a private picnic by the fire's glow

His heart will be yours forever, something everyday will show

That's how you know, that's how you know

That's how you know he's your love

That's how she know that you love her

That's how you show her you love her

That's how you know, that's how you know

He's your love

because this song never fails to put a smile on my face(:

2011-01-18T08:00:00.002+08:00

there's a calm surrender to the rush of day

when the heat of the rolling world can be turned away;

it's a little unnerving, entering a completely dark and quiet compound, knowing that everyone is asleep, everyone except you. as you tread your way through the all at once familiar and strange corridors, it almost feels as if you are part of this world and separate at the same time, within and without. yes, this is the corridor that you take every week up from the basement, but one still feels like a visitor, observing through a glass of sleep. consciousness or wakefulness? it doesn't really matter, does it, as long as it allows you to catch a glimpse of this peace and serenity, a short interlude before the bustle of the sun rushes in again.

and i have to admit that i like these quiet early mornings where one can just sit with a cup of tea to watch the world slowly awaken

2011-01-15T13:04:00.002+08:00

no no, i cannot fall ill now. not now><"

anyway sem has started and the first week being the first week has been pretty slack which makes me happy but also makes me worried for the rest of the sem. a mad rush to complete the syllabus? doesn't help that this sem's pretty time consuming for me. guess it's just like this when you're taking a language and a science. ohwells. no point thinking about it now. shall just enjoy things while i can though i really should speed up my reading of jap studies. ohwells.

please don't fall ill!

and i kind of can't wait for cny. hohoho(: that and the arrival of my packages. excited much!

and i should really stop blogging like this before my blog degenerates into mundane little posts of what i ate and who i saw, etc. oh gross.

2011-01-07T10:09:00.003+08:00

and i wish upon a star that everything will turn out just fine.

on a separate note, am looking forward to this sat's performance in more ways than one. haha. but singing with an orchestra is really exciting! even if i'm unfamiliar with the conductor's conducting. i just hope that today's rehearsal and tml's perf will be great(:

school's starting soon and i really don't feel ready for it. i guess it's just pre-sem blues all over again. but the thought of shifting back to hostel just makes everything slightly gloomier. guess i'm just someone who loves to be surrounded by people. even if i'm alone, i want some company in the form of a book or sth. ohwells. back to school bluuuuuuuuuuues.

2011-01-05T20:13:00.003+08:00

and so it's a new year.

thinking of all the new things to do, new experiences to go through, and thinking of how they could all go so wrong. but it's no use thinking of all these, isn't it? i've just got to stop thinking and TRY. oh if only the brain had an on/off switch.

and so it's a new year.

2010-12-27T09:56:00.004+08:00

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

Now matter what I say or do

I still feel you here till the moment I'm gone

You keep me without chains

I never wanted anything so much

Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain

Set me free, leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

You love me 'cause I'm fragile

When I thought that I was strong

But you touch me for a little while

And all my fragile strength is gone

Set me free, leave me be

I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am and I stand so tall

I'm just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me

I live here on my knees

As I try to make you see

That you're everything I think I need

Here on the ground

But you're neither friend nor foe

Though I can't seem to let you go

The one thing that I still know

Is that you're keeping me down

You're keeping me down

You're on to me, on to me and all over

Something always brings me back to you

It never takes too long

2010-12-20T15:31:00.003+08:00

much as i hate to admit it, this unsettles me much more than i expected. is that a good or a bad thing?

really should stop over analysing everything. it's driving me nuts. plus it gets me absolutely nowhere, so what's the point?

on a separate note, carolling carolling through the snow!(: now if only we had white christmases in singapore. how exciting that would be. hee.

2010-12-07T23:43:00.004+08:00

I See the Light

All those days watching from the windows

All those years outside looking in

All that time never even knowing

Just how blind I've been

Now I'm here, blinking in the starlight

Now I'm here, suddenly I see

Standing here, it's all so clear

I'm where I'm meant to be

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog has lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once everything looks different

Now that I see you

All those days chasing down a daydream

All those years living in a blur

All that time never truly seeing

Thing, the way they were

Now she's here shining in the starlight

Now she's here, suddenly I know

If she's here it's crystal clear

I'm where I'm meant to go

And at last I see the light

And it's like the fog is lifted

And at last I see the light

And it's like the sky is new

And it's warm and real and bright

And the world has somehow shifted

All at once, everything is different

Now that I see you, now that I see you

and disney brings me back to times when i still had the stars

2010-11-19T12:27:00.003+08:00

just found out that the so-called defining point of the whistle register is the soprano C. like oh my goodness. never knew that i could actually sing in whistle register. though of course, mine's pretty limited, only till about a G#6 (cos i didn't dare to go any higher due to lack of warmups) and it remains a question as to whether i am actually utilising the register or just extending my own usual register.

interesting, interesting.

and i really should get back to studying><"

2010-11-15T22:24:00.005+08:00

oh dear. since when did i start putting on weight when studying? the end of the world is here!! ><><><

2010-11-05T21:45:00.002+08:00

and sometimes my students just put a smile on my face(:

thank you so much for bringing everything back into focus. really, it's the little things that matter.

2010-10-28T23:30:00.003+08:00

just thankful that the week is over. thank God.

2010-10-23T22:32:00.002+08:00

and thank you my darling girls for wanting to surprise me yesterday. such a pity that my upper respiratory tract was acting up. would have loved to spend some time with yall. love you girls to bits(: 7th year and counting!

2010-10-23T22:30:00.003+08:00

and suddenly i feel that i don't deserve all this. but who am i to say anything?

and the world keeps spinning on.

2010-10-13T19:25:00.002+08:00

the insect community hates me.

last night, a housefly thought the idea of life too unbearable and committed suicide in my soup.

this afternoon, a fly decided swimming was its new lifelong passion and tried it out in my drink.

two seconds ago, a mosquito (with striped legs, no less) decided that it wanted to have a change of diet and plunged into my bolognese.

life's great!

love you all too.

2010-10-08T17:58:00.001+08:00

and i know that no matter what happens, God will give me a song.

2010-10-06T21:03:00.002+08:00

it's kind of funny how people change over time. even i am amazed at myself this time round. if this had happened last year i would have picked up the phone immediately to call andrew to scream or at least message him. but this year, the urge to that just isn't there. sure, i almost jumped up to get my phone but it was purely out of habit, just another conditioned response. and the drive to tell and get down to some good old bitching just wasn't there. it just didn't seem that important anymore.

i guess people change. and i hope i have changed for the better.

2010-09-23T20:47:00.003+08:00

thank you, pock thong and kayat. it really mattered alot to me even if you didn't realise it, knowing that at least someone out there notices and cares. thank you so much.

in the end, you realise that choir really does become your family(:

2010-09-22T23:26:00.003+08:00

this is a time of waiting. and watching. of looking for oneself gingerly among what's left behind.

will i ever find what i'm looking for? it's a quiet question, posed to no one in particular. and i know that it is one that is unanswerable for now.

but for now, i will wait, and watch.

2010-09-15T23:16:00.003+08:00

every fact is multi-faceted. it is very open to interpretation. and unknowingly, the interpretations that we draw reflect our beliefs and attitudes. the only question is, to what extent can one push one's interpretation before it is no longer related to the fact in question?

and i think that i might have had a major overdose of the social sciences.

2010-09-11T14:49:00.002+08:00

Lord, as i seek Your guidance for the day

i find my thoughts unyielding, confusion crowds my way

but then when i bow to You,

the challenges You guide me through

Your promises are ever new, i claim them for today

Your will cannot lead me where Your grace will not keep me

Your hand will protect me, i rest in Your care

Your eyes will watch over me

Your love will forgive me

and when i am faltering, i still will find You there

each new day's design is chartered by Your hand

and graciously revealed as i seek Your master plan

keep my footsteps faithful when from You i go

return me to the joy that Your blessings can bestow

Your will cannot lead me where Your grace will not keep me

Your hand will protect me, i rest in Your care

Your eyes will watch over me

Your love will forgive me

and when i am faltering, i still will find You there

Your eyes will watch over me

Your love will forgive me

and when i am faltering, i still will find You there

2010-09-11T09:44:00.003+08:00

we smile, we laugh, we dance, we sing.

but how much of this is just another masquerade?

2010-08-18T11:31:00.002+08:00

to everything there is a season

to everything there is a time

for every purpose under heaven

there is a time, a proper time

to live and die, to plant and harvest

to kill and heal, to wreck and build

to cry or laugh, to mourn and dance

there is a time, a proper time

a time to cast away, to bring together

a time to be embraced, to be alone

to fight and lose, to keep and give

there is a time, there is a time

to tear apart, to mend together

to be silent and to speak

to love and hate, for war and peace

there is a time, there is a time, a proper time

to everything there is a time

2010-07-28T23:07:00.002+08:00

she dwelt upon the untrodden ways

beside the streams of Dove

a maid whom there were none to praise

and very few to love

a violet by a mossy stone

half hidden from the eye

fair as a star when only one

is shining in the sky

she lived unknown and few could know

when Lucy ceased to be

but she is in her grave and oh

the difference to me

-Wordsworth

2010-07-25T22:52:00.001+08:00

am highly annoyed because of bidding. rahh.

2010-07-13T22:12:00.003+08:00

i think i want a cat. a pretty little thing with huge eyes.

one more step to being the cat lady.

but mostly, i want a cat(:

2010-07-12T21:54:00.002+08:00

你写给我我的第一首歌

你和我十指紧扣默写前奏

可是那然后呢

还好我有我这一首情歌

轻轻的轻轻哼着哭着等着

我的天长地久

2010-07-04T21:55:00.002+08:00

a rainy day is passing slowly

the skies are dark with clouds of grey

and in my mind i'm counting teardrops

and get to feel i've gone astray

a rainy day won't last forever

so if you see no hope in sight

just lift your head and watch the raindrops

make all the colours clean and bright

a rainy day got in the way

but it's not here to stay

and when the sun lights up again

beyond the clouds will be a rainbow glowing then

2010-06-16T19:03:00.003+08:00

dear Lord,

please give me patience for i am sorely lacking in that area.

please give me discernment to know what is the good and right thing to do.

please give me self restraint so that i will not rush blindly into things as i am wont to do.

please give me courage to finally step out from this shadow.

and i know that no matter what You put in my life, is a gift from you. even if i am hurt and cry along the way, i am not alone for You are with me and everything in my life is here for a reason. so break me oh Lord and make me a better vessel for You.

2010-06-07T08:55:00.002+08:00

so, one chapter of my life has closed yet again and it is time to move on.

this time has been an exciting one, so hectic yet enjoyable that i don't even have time to sit down and really breathe or think about what i am doing. am really going to miss the times spent in pathlight, the crazy rushing out of worksystems and videos, the handling of multiple simultaneous meltdowns, the wonderful students, the absolutely fantastic teachers and staff and of course, my favourite fellow interns. haha. really am glad that i finally managed to warm up to all of you, me being the extremely socially retarded person that i am. aren't yall proud of your biggest achievement? haha(:

and now there's a new chapter on hand. excited much? (:

2010-05-21T21:29:00.003+08:00

can someone please sing me a song?

that aside, am really undecided now. need some guidance here! urgently><"

today was a lovely day and i took many photos of my lovely boys and girls. and my darling totally melted my heart today(: am happy. was happy.

i think i finally know what the problem is. it never was you. granted, you did have some part to play in it, but for the most part, i was the problem. i was not ready. with that kind of mentality, how could i possibly be? no more such things for me till i'm completely ready. but then again, how can anyone ever be completely ready? and thinking of such things really will not help anything at all.

just wishing for now.

2010-05-02T22:16:00.002+08:00

CREEPY GUYS SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THE WORLD.

anyway. had a lovely time with the girls today. really missed them. and shopping. haha. seriously haven't went around with them for far too long. most of the time we just sit and eat. hahahhahaha. and we wonder why we're piling on the kilos. lol. actually just me larh. NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT><" can't wait for this friday!(:

it's kind of weird that now that i have so much time on my hands (sort of) i kind of wish to be back in school, sitting at desks, being thorougly interested in/excited with the lesson or just daydreaming. homework and mugging actually sounds good! ohmygoodness i need to get my brain checked. must have been hit too hard or sth. hahaha. i guess it's just another case of the grass being greener on the other side. of course vj life has been wonderful and it probably is one of the best times of my life. but i don't think i'll actually be very studious when i go to uni. will probably just revert to my silly procrastinating self. TSK. must change. we'll see. maybe i'll go back to vj one day. sounds good(: on this note, sov's next week! can't wait((:

life's been good and i really have nothing more to wish for. though sometimes longing touches me, but i really have no right to. will just see what the Lord has planned for me(:

2010-04-24T10:23:00.002+08:00

i saw a very beautiful picture today. even now, i can see it in my mind's eye. it's a very simple scene, one the many will overlook. still, it took my breath away. my darling little boy, under his large colourful umbrella, with a box of egg tarts in hand, waiting just outside the bus stop in the summer shower. just as no one will understand why he did that, no one will want to understand my beautiful boy and his snapshot, a memory.

- 16 April

2010-04-13T22:15:00.001+08:00

meet carl.

oh i melted.

2010-04-09T22:47:00.002+08:00

i saw a little patch of grass and wildflowers growing in the middle of the road, surrounded by tarmac and concrete. despite being hedged in on all sides by danger in various forms, it flourished, beautifully green and lush. and i hope that my darling boys and girls will always remember what it is like to have the odds stacked against them and still triumph. and i hope that they will be able to, because they deserve to, more than anyone else.

2010-03-18T11:17:00.003+08:00

The saddest characters from the most beautiful stories are those who loved and dared to try, but failed and were forgotten.

- Notes about You & Me

maybe this is why i love phantom this much.

2010-03-07T16:39:00.002+08:00

give thanks with a grateful heart

give thanks unto the Holy One

give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

give thanks with a grateful heart

give thanks unto the Holy One

give thanks because He's given Jesus Christ, His Son

and now may the weak say 'i am strong'

may the poor say 'i am rich'

because of what the Lord has done for us

and now may the weak say 'i am strong'

may the poor say 'i am rich'

because of what the Lord has done for us

give thanks

2010-03-03T22:07:00.002+08:00

and i thank God for giving me these wonderful moments and times just as i am fretting like a headless chicken in this nerve wrecking period leading up to The Big _______ of _______. because He is our Comfort and Strength(:

2010-03-03T21:29:00.003+08:00

beautiful childhood memories made tangible through the visiting of places of old. brushing through all the cobwebs and musty places in the attic of my mind in tandem with the solid feel of brick under my feet. it's a wonderful feeling of homecoming, as if nothing else matters just so long as this place of confirmation, confirmation that i do exist, exists. it's almost like a base, for me to find my feet again, a reminder of who i really am. that girl who hadn't a care in the world as she ran in the dusk, laughing over the joy of the chase. and i like the fact that this place of my early childhood still exists, in reality and in my memory. because it feels like i have not deviated much. the central isn't a foreign land. it is where i was born, where my roots are. i am not exploring, i am rediscovering. and it is a reassuring feeling that whatever had seemed so strange really is what i am. all i really did was come full circle. and i like that.

everyday should be like this.

2010-02-18T21:48:00.016+08:00

a picture post. because words are inadequate to describe all these feelings.

2010-02-12T20:47:00.002+08:00

i am procrastinating. again.

sigh. love the work and the kids and everything really. but i absolutely hate bringing work home. just that there wasn't enough time the past two days to get this done and i need it done by next wednesday. RAHH. am annoyed.

anyway the past week has been an extremely eventful one, even more so than the usual weeks. what with the term outing, the slight change in timetables which leaves me terribly drained on tuesdays, the getting closer to the kids especially the wonderful SJ who though not exactly cute or brilliant makes me want to understand him more. maybe since i do spend a large portion of my time with him one on one. makes me find him more and more endearing. haha.

and annoying pubescent boys! how can i ever forget. urgh. MUST MAINTAIN SAFETY DISTANCE AT ALL TIMES. sigh. they are such sweet boys but really puberty can make them so annoying. quite a few people seem amused at my plight. bleahh.

spending time with them just makes my maternal instincts stronger. just looking at them would awake something tender inside me, this wish that they will survive, will live successfully, will grow up and have their own space in society, socially accepted. and i worry, because so and so has a strong chance of getting into trouble next time, because so and so has such and such problems making assimilation difficult, because. and i find that what i feel for them is deeply rooted already. looks like the six inch connection has already fallen into place without my actively seeking it out.

and i wonder if anyone feels the same way i do. if anyone outside of this wonderful warm nest can ever look at these beautiful children and see them for who they really are, without the social stigma and distance we so carefully build up to protect our 'normalcy'. because just what is normalcy?

2010-01-24T16:33:00.002+08:00

trips down memory lane always bring back much more than bargained for. you just might get stuck in the wisps of love and light, refusing to emerge back into the harsh reality of life. or you might get entangled in the yarns of unfinished unhappiness, drawn back through the current of time. and i wish i didn't need to classify this nor confront it because i'm an escapist. and because things just might be better this way.

2010-01-14T20:31:00.002+08:00

don't feel like doing my report. BOO. WANNA PROCRASTINATE.

so much for turning over a new leaf. lol.

2010-01-09T17:45:00.004+08:00

because in the end, we aren't all that different from autistic people.

失忆

书桌上的香水你沉默的背对

只剩下那一点点还是闻得到从前

西装里的口袋我整理过的爱

又破了那一点点我帮你补了誓言

从没实现的摇滚梦我也陪你走好多遍

断弦的吉他始终弹不出我要的答案

我和你拼了好几夜约翰蓝侬的图片

却拼不到一个永远我在等你喊停

感觉不到从前温柔的双眼

感觉的到你已不在卷恋

无奈的笑试图让我知道

得了失忆可能对你我都好

感觉不到说是为了我改变

感觉得到承诺划过我左脸

我不知道也许我会得到

一句还是朋友这是借口还是尽头

西装里的口袋我整理过的爱

又破了那一点点我帮你补了誓言

从没实现的摇滚梦我也陪你走好多遍

断弦的吉他始终弹不出我要的答案

我和你拼了好几夜约翰蓝侬的图片

却拼不到一个永远我在等你喊停

感觉不到从前温柔的双眼

感觉的到你已不在卷恋

无奈的笑试图让我知道

得了失忆可能对你我都好

感觉不到说是为了我改变

感觉得到承诺划过我左脸

我不知道也许我会得到

一句还是朋友这是借口还是尽头

感觉不到从前温柔的双眼

感觉的到你已不在卷恋

无奈的笑试图让我知道

得了失忆可能对你我都好

感觉不到说是为了我改变

感觉得到承诺划过我左脸

我不知道也许我会得到

一句还是朋友这是借口还是尽头

2010-01-09T10:48:00.003+08:00

work's been good so far. fell in love with the most amazing boys in the world despite it being only three days. wish we had more time together. but it's okay, i just might find new loves in the next deployment. and we're still be seeing much of each other anyway(:

the week has offered a whole array of promises, that life can be good, that life is good, that life always was good, and that life goes on. i guess that's the most important thing? moving away from what is dead and gone and seeking out new opportunities, new ideas, new friends. anyway thank you for that evening because it was a turning point, even if you didn't know it.

2010-01-02T23:27:00.002+08:00

need to get my sleep cycle back in synch but my hair's still damp. hmph.

anyway it's a new year and i don't feel anything special except maybe the arrival of my new journal. prettypretty!! thanks so much dears(: oh that and a further assurance of my new unchartered life. along with a new expectation of high travel expenses. life does seem a little bleak. haha.

maybe not exactly bleak but more of uncertain? and i don't like uncertainties. i like solid truths like God. actually that's the only solid truth so this new dimension of uncertainty makes things seem a little more out of kilter.

but then again everyone goes through this phase i guess, this period of finding one's direction, one's calling and very simply, one's feet. one learns to think. and that, in itself, is a little more reassuring.

and of course, i know that whatever happens, i only need to follow His will and the uncertainties will melt away(:

on a separate note, to facebook or not? ><"

2010-01-01T01:07:00.000+08:00

because i think it's reason enough.

happy new year.

2009-12-20T15:12:00.001+08:00

for those who want it(:

missed all of you and carolling though it really was very tiring, blasting and all. haha. we should do stuff like this more often!(:

2009-12-15T16:30:00.003+08:00

mom, are you sure you brought the right baby home? i look so different! hahahaha(:

2009-11-19T12:04:00.006+08:00

All I Ask of You

No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you
my words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
promise me that all you say is true
that's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light.
You're safe, no one will find you
your fears are far behind you

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night
and you always beside me
to hold me and to hide me

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
say the word and I will follow you
Share each day with me, each night, each morning
Say you love me
You know I do
Love me, that's all I ask of you

Anywhere you go let me go too
Love me that's all I ask of you

2009-11-03T21:30:00.007+08:00

thank you for the wonderful gift. the real gift was in the card, with all its wonderful lessons and lines that really touched my heart and encouraged me. thank you so much(:

really, you deserve better.

{image by: {this is glamorous}}

2009-10-30T22:29:00.002+08:00

a big thank you to everyone who helped make my day such a wonderful one today((: it really was very sweet, knowing that alot of you forsook precious studying time just to wish me a happy birthday. yes, even you ppl in uni(:

thank you my lovely family for making such a big fuss over my turning eighteen with mexican and an absolutely delicious cake. and the sister for giving such a thoughtful gift. the peacock blue!!!(((: hahahah.

and thank you to the lovely three and one who came down to school specially to spend the day with me(: jill, your popping up absolutely failed though the ploy still worked. i really was surprised! haha. (even though i didn't believe that pris forgot my birthday) i really must be quite dumb><" like since when does jill wake up early larh. oops haha. and thank you keith for the christmas wrapping paper(lol!) and the really nice print(: still don't understand the thing about the cauliflower though. nvm. haha. and thank you sheng chow for coming down today too(: really loved your note. thank you to the three who camped together with me to MUG even if yall were in your distant science world. heh.

and thank you sis jo, sarah, samuel and rubi for the huge surprise just now. it's such a wonderful experience celebrating with the young ones. they're so full of energy they make me feel so old. really, one must be energetic to raise children. but they really are the cutest ever(: i almost forgot about childrens' capacity to find joy and adventure in every little thing but just watching them for less than an hour has reminded me of the wonderful capacity for imagination. and to think that i'm studying gatsby! tsk.

and thank you for all the well wishes that started from yesterday (wow. early birds indeed(: ) and lasted all through the day. really miss alot of you especially since i haven't seen alot of you in a long time. when life recommences kay!!(((: and yes i'm looking at you, kor, boy who i've not seen since time immemorial. haha.

anyway it's been a wonderful day with lots of catching up with people from various periods of my life, some still very close to my heart and some not so much but never forgotten. and i thank God for allowing me one more year, one more day, one more experience. time is precious and you never know when it will run out. but i thank Him for this most basic thing of all, that we always overlook, the gift of life, both physical and spiritual. so thank you Lord, for Your most wondrous gift of all. and help me Father, to always keep you in the centre of my life. only then, will everything else fall in place.

i love you Lord and i lift my voice

to worship you, oh my soul, rejoice!

take joy my King in what You hear

may it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear

2009-10-25T21:44:00.002+08:00

God never moves without purpose or plan

when trying His servant or moulding a man

give thanks to the Lord though your blessing seems small

in darkness He giveth a song

oh rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistakes

He knoweth the end of each path that i take

for when i am tried and purified

i shall come forth as gold

now i can see testing comes from above

God strengthens His children and purges in love

my Father knows best and i trust in His care

through purging more fruit shall i bear

oh rejoice in the Lord, He makes no mistakes

He knoweth the end of each path that i take

for when i am tried and purified

i shall come forth as gold

2009-09-29T15:17:00.004+08:00

you will be who you want to be

you can take whatever heaven grants

as long as you can have your chance

i swear i'll give my life for you

loving miss saigon.

ohwells. prelim results tml! ><

my blog is getting boring. urgh.

{image by: marcuss ohlssen via ffffound!}

2009-09-23T21:21:00.002+08:00

IT HATES ME!!!!):

it never works when i want it to.

*pouts*

or maybe i dropped my phone one too many times...oops.

am in love with this gorgeous marchesa gown and am extremely pleased that it has a feature in gossip girl. can't wait for a's to be over so i can finally get my gg fix! plus marchesa!!(:

2009-09-23T18:09:00.006+08:00

(image from Apartment Therapy}

Garnet (Toki wo Kakeru Shoujo)

Oku Hanoko

Guraundo kaketeku anata no senaka wa

Sora ni ukanda kumo yori mo jiyuu de

Nooto ni naranda shikakui moji sae

Subete w terasu hikari ni mieta

Suki to iu kimochi ga wakaranakute

Nidoto wa modoranai kono jikan ga

Sono imi wo atashi ni oshiete kureta

Anata to sugoshita hibi wo kono mune ni yaki tsukeyou

Omoi dasankutemo daijoubu na you ni

Itsuka hoka no dareka wo suki ni natta toshitemo

Anata wa zutto tokubetsu de taisetsu de

Mata kono kitsetsu ga megutteku

Hajimete futari de hanashita houkago

Dare mo shiranai egao sagashiteita

Tookude anata no hashaideru koe ni

Naze da ka mune ga itakunatta no

Kawatte yuku koto wo kowagatteta no

Zutto tomodachi no mama ireru kigashita

Owatteku mono nado nai to omotta

Hateshinai toki no naka de anata to deaeta koto ga

Nani yori mo atashi wo tsuyokushite kureta ne

Muchuu de kakeru ashita ni tadoritsuita toshitemo

Anata wa zutto tokubetsu de taisetsu de

Mata kono kisetsu ga yatte kuru

Itsumademo wasurenai to anata ga itte kureta natsu

Toki ga nagare imagoro atashi wa namida ga koboretekita

Anata to sugoshita hibi wo kono mune ni yaki tsukeyou

Omoi dasankutemo daijoubu na you ni

Itsuka hoka no dareka wo suki ni natta toshitemo

Anata wa zzutto tokubetsu de taisetsu de

Mata kono kitsetsu ga megutteku

if i told you that i came from the future, would you laugh?

2009-09-19T18:08:00.001+08:00

oh. and thank God i was just being paranoid. there is no corruption in this circle.

2009-09-19T17:48:00.004+08:00

OHMYGOODNESS. BLOGGER'S FINALLY WORKING PROPERLY.

am very pleased(:

despite the fact that i'm not supposed to be online but that's beside the point. BLOGGER'S UP AND RUNNING PROPERLY!(x

okay i just had to post sth to celebrate. haha.

really really want carolling season to start. like maybe in two hours. sounds fantastic.

guess i just miss performing. can't believe that my career as a performer is probably over already. i'm not even eighteen yet! it was so depressing i had to sing sth last night so my block was treated to 'music of the night' to accompany the smoke from hungry ghost festival offerings. not very good for my lungs i know but nvm.

the stage is a magical place to be on. the overwhelmingly bright lights in stark contrast with the comforting darkness of the concert hall, the beautiful vaulted wood and the sparkling feeling that permeates due to the making of music. singing with the choir was just beautiful and i wonder..

singing with an orchestra sounds amazing too. love orchestral music. all those layers! beautiful, beautiful sound.

but the best thing about being a performer for me is the ability to lose myself, to shed all the cares and joys of my personal life and to inhabit a separate core that is not of myself, within and without. that is pure beauty, knowing that you are contributing to music, to some ancient construct that spans countless lifetimes, becoming one with it for that brief two hours or so. and to know that you are nothing, only an instrument with which to proclaim God's glory in your making of music for i believe that all great music is a pouring in off the Spirit into musicians to glorify Him. that, however, is my own personal viewpoint. yet, i know that it is true for i have experienced it, that filling up of something that is not of me, that outpouring of voice that is not something i am capable of. still, it happened and i am convinced that it is real, praise Him!

anyway all the little options niggling at the back of my head will have to wait as we face the huge monster approaching in 51 (gasp!) days. till then!

2009-09-09T11:31:00.005+08:00

i don't blame anyone of you for being Delio
Delio is a good person. he is always faithful to Antonio, no matter what happens. he protects Antonio and tries his best to advise him and keep him out of harm's way.

but did anyone remember how he treated Julia?

of course Julia deserves it. she's a slut and all. but i think that behind all that, she is someone hungering for love, someone who is just like the Duchess. just that she didn't know how to keep herself pure, out of the cycle of corruption. and thus, she is only remembered as a notorious strumpet, a comical contrast for the Duchess.

but did anyone stop and think of what Julia might be going through?

and i remind myself not to think so much.
thanks greg(:

2009-08-01T17:32:00.001+08:00

for lack of better words to say

2009-07-10T21:53:00.004+08:00

All I Ask of You

No more talk of darkness,
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you -
my words will warm and calm you.

Let me be your freedom,
let daylight dry -your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you,
to guard you and to guide you.

Say you love me every waking moment,
turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you, now and always.
promise me that all you say is true -
that's all I ask of you.

Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light.
You're safe, no one will find you
your fears are far behind you.

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night.
and you always beside me
to hold me and to hide me.

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you need me with you here, beside you.
anywhere you go, let me go too -
Christine, that's all I ask of you.

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.
Say you love me. You know I do.
Love me - that's all I ask of you.

Anywhere you go let me go too.
Love me - that's all I ask of you

classics forever(:

2009-07-07T15:40:00.002+08:00

have you ever talked to God above?

tell Him that you need a friend to love

pray in Jesus' name believing that God answers prayer

find the answer in His word, it's true

you'll be strong because He walks with you

by His faithfulness, He'll change you too, God answers prayer

2009-07-07T15:00:00.006+08:00

i really really hate this inability to write. staring at a blank piece of paper or a clean word document. all my thoughts swirling round my head like a swarm of angry bees only to disappear whenever i try to pluck out a particular thought to shape on the paper. elusive wisps that buzz with mocking intensity at my increasing frustration to try to put anything at all on the document at hand. NEED TO FOCUS. NEED TO CONCENTRATE. NEED TO WRITE. i want a rose macaron.

oh and kettle chips are lovely.

which is why i am going to grow fat.

and as my small and petty life goes on, i feel sickened at the way i'm so obsessed and wrapped up with all the insignificant things. there is something better and inherently good out there, why am i stuck in this mire of the trivial? life really is too short to waste on silly things such as these.

thank you, you whom i never knew, for teaching me this valuable lesson in the most impactful way possible. thank you for the myriad of promises that you offered shimmering on the back of your palm. you who were so young, so full of promise, thank you. rest in peace, grace. for God missed you so terribly, He had to call you back early.

{edit: is it me or is blogger really refusing to publish pictures forever?}

2009-07-04T23:16:00.001+08:00

i don't know what i want anymore.

if only time would just stop so that i can have some peace and quiet to sink my toes in the sand or twirl along a river bank.

i just know that i'll have to keep plodding on no matter what and not let anything bring me down.

time to say goodbye;

{edit: BLOGGER, YOU SHOULD JUST GO AND DIE. UPLOAD MY PICTURES YOU TOOT. RAHH.}

2009-06-20T20:40:00.009+08:00

love love love zettai kareshi!! or 绝对男友!! or absolute boyfriend!! wheeeee...

so sad that i missed yesterday's episode. even though i watched most of it online already. oops heh. just wanted to see hayami mokomichi again! he is like so cute in absolute boyfriend.

i've seen him in other shows and thought that he was quite good looking, tall, well built and all but he is just so CUTE here. i have no idea why. lol. ohwells. maybe it's the makeup. or the fact that he's a robot. hohoho.

anyway, just go watch it if you haven't! you really won't regret it!! ((((x

2009-06-16T22:40:00.005+08:00

and i'm so disillusioned. and disappointed.

i know i'm so lag but this movie's really really so cute! haha. just thinking about it makes me smile(: anyway today was good with the girls and dinner with mom after that. oh and i really should mug more. heh.

2009-06-11T22:37:00.002+08:00

it really is time to knuckle down and start working and stop letting other things bother you because there just isn't enough time left.

anyone wants to form a study group with me?

2009-06-09T19:41:00.052+08:00

things are rapidly falling into place.

much as i don't want them to.

but then again i'll rather let sov be my last performance then some crappy i don't know what in july. ova wasn't any better.

it's kind of sad when you realise that you don't really mind not performing for one last time. but i guess it's cos the one last time thing has been repeated one time too many. after sov, i would have given anything to perform one last time with vjchoir esp since competing in austria isn't exactly a performance. the adrenaline rush is of a totally different kind. then came the heartbreaking news that austria was never going to be a reality. and the nightmare intensified. i was never going to sing on the stage with vjchoir as part of the choir anymore. it really was horrible and premature ends never really go down well with me. especially for sth that i love so dearly. then came the ova thing. which is seriously crap cos it's magic songs and it's not even our concert and we had to share the stage. of course singing with the vs boys was fun but it still wasn't a vj thing. nvm. then came the news of the july concerts. which i am so not looking forward to cos they're messing up my curriculum and exam time without batting a lid and the whole thing just reeks of politics. and of course there's the bit about having the one last time thing yet again. it's just like the boy who cried wolf. makes you wonder where the school's priorities are as when you were in choir they were trying their utmost best to get you out of it and complicating your efforts to do well but when it's time for you to graduate, they just simply refuse to. politics, politics. sigh. kind of sucks having such a principal. makes me really really miss mrs chan though of course i would have no idea how she would be like cos my life in ip1 was nice and innocent and happy and i never concerned myself with matters like this.

anyway, the bottom line is that sure, i'll miss choir and all but just dragging things on and on especially when it's not a full batch thing just makes me really jaded about the whole ideal of choir. and it really sucks cos now i can't write my oh-my-i-really-love-choir-and-will-miss-it-loads-and-loads-and-jiayou-juniors post cos i'm just so tired of it all. stupid school admin. see what you've done to perfectly good passion.

on a side note, adhoc handovers' over!(: it's really sad and all cos i'm no longer part of the official craziest-people-in-choir group. but our batch has done the best we could and i'm really happy and proud of us. we initiated so many things!(x (though not everything came to fruition but nvm. lots of things did happen anyway) and we're such different ppl yet i really love all of you. now's the juniors' turn and i hope that they turn out like us or better(: be it in terms of achievements or friendships. cos adhoc really is a great breeding ground for friendships as we brainstorm and come up with crazy ideas, do the saikang and logistics bit and just be ourselves through and through. so junior adhoc (i don't think any of yall come to my blog but nvm) just be yourselves and enjoy your term! it'll be over real fast so treasure every moment of it. and adhoc 08/09, i love all of you!(: the artsy fart, the responsible, the 'slacker', the voice, thanks for everything and i'm sorry for the damage i've caused your eardrums. hahaha. <3

well, maybe things aren't too bad after all(:

2009-06-08T15:14:00.005+08:00

my girls, the craziest ppl on earth, my beautiful batch and you(:

2009-06-04T14:48:00.005+08:00

and somehow i feel really alone

or maybe it's just me being selfish again. it really is time to stop thinking of myself as the centre of the universe. time to put others first!

it really isn't their fault cos everyone has their own lives to live. it's just that yours is like this that's all. so get on with life and stop moping around cos no one will stop for you. stop swirling out of control.

2009-05-24T20:31:00.002+08:00

ohwells. i guess there's no running away from it anymore.

it's time for some proper closure.

okay.

i think i'll wait till after handovers. lol.

anyway things are still empty and floating around in little bits and pieces. but i guess they'll be pieced back soon enough. they have to be, in time for a levels><" and every little thing helps. so even though i'm still floating around waiting and trying to be filled up again, i guess things aren't too bad after all. (especially if you've got friends like andrew, dongying, yongsheng and zhanyi who save your ass. lol)

and of course, there's you(:

2009-05-17T18:55:00.002+08:00

it's over.

need i say more?

2009-05-11T18:49:00.003+08:00

indeed the magic is in the telling.

just as the magic in the songs that we sing is in the way we sing it, how our different voices come together, merging to form one voice to tell the story behind the song.

with our journey as a choir due to end prematurely, let our swan's song be the most beautiful and magical performance history has ever witnessed.

because we are performers and because we are vjchoir.

2009-05-02T21:00:00.004+08:00

i just realised i haven't posted for the entire of april. urgh. nvm. haha.

anyway it's been a good few weeks and i have to say that i'm happy with lots of things now even if there still are scary things like syf and all that. but drama night was good even if i didn't do as much as i would have liked to, hwk's been good except for the mysteriously disappearing lit essays and i'm learning to be more content with my lot in life(: though i still have to work on bridling my tongue><"

it's the last bit before syf and before you know it, sov'll be over and half the 08 batch will disappear and if the swine flu cases in austria increase the entire batch will graduate. just like that. it feels so surreal. 3 years of being in vj choir, trying to contribute my voice, learning, growing and forging friendships that i hope will last. this is the last leg of my walk with vj choir and possibly any choir for that matter. my last few weeks of being a chorister, a singer, a performer. i will miss it. i definitely will. and there will be a gap in my life when i finally graduate. though it's been tiring and i've been increasingly jaded but choir still has been an integral part of my life and i can't imagine living without it. what would i do with all my saturdays?? lol. but i guess most of all i'll miss the people, even mr kwei. haha. maybe especially mr kwei. ohwells.

hope that this last few weeks of being in vj choir will be glorious ones(:

2009-03-20T18:15:00.002+08:00

because

i love this culture

i love these people

i love this way of life

i don't want anything to happen to this just because of all of your insecurities, incompetence, inefficiency and idiosyncrasies. why can't everyone just come clean and reassess each other? is hiding behind your smoke screens all that appealing? they won't help anything but will just cause a downward spiral that will pull everyone else down.

why don't we start all over again before it's too late?

2009-02-28T14:01:00.002+08:00

because people are inherently selfish.

should i blame them? can i blame them?

i guess not, since i too fall under the blanket of people.

2009-02-22T22:33:00.003+08:00

thank you for always being there to make the gloom go away and to be my shield from the world(:

2009-02-22T16:50:00.002+08:00

i need to know how to put my emotions into words and not just leave them as abstract concepts floating about where only i can gain access to them and then bemoan the sad state of having no one who can understand.

i need to learn how to be honest with myself and stop covering up everything that i feel under a veneer of happiness and bimbotism.

i need to stop being such a bitch and actually start being nice for i'm sick and tired of living such a stupid, shallow and superficial life.

i do so hate being inarticulate.

and it's not just the inadequacies of the english language.

2009-02-09T21:33:00.009+08:00

don't judge me. especially if you don't know who i really am. can you tell if i'm really happy or am just hiding my tears? can you tell if i'm acting or i'm for real? can you tell if i'm really ill? never judge a book by a cover. i, too, will try my best to reserve judgements. cos i know just how much it hurts to be judged by someone who knows nothing about me.

2009-02-04T17:57:00.002+08:00

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said it would be this hard

sometimes i don't really know who i am. there's just this blur of emotions that seem to be spread out randomly, scorning all attempts at definition. maybe it is the chaos theory at its very best. or whatever. but i don't seem to recognise myself much anymore. there's this sense of having missed something very important that i can't seem to place my finger on. it throws everything off balance and makes me want to turn around and head into the wind in search of it.

i have changed. and it troubles me to not be able to pinpoint where and how. of course i could just be rejecting the truth but it troubles me all the same. what are the fundamental decencies that should have been parcelled out? they seem to have fallen apart, like a broken pearl necklace spilt on the floor. how would you know if you've overlooked one? it might just be hiding under the rug, peeking out at you with a bright unwavering stare but life and all its hurry rushes on. and it would be gone. just like that. maybe till next year's spring cleaning would you find it's twinkling eye but would it have been too late? the necklace has been restrung and reinstated without its kin. would its value have diminished? and what of the pearl?

2009-01-23T21:08:00.003+08:00

well, just to clear the air before hordes of people start accusing me of turning emo. lol.

went shopping with the girls today. it was supposed to be movie day but it somehow evolved into a shopping trip, i don't know how. guess that's why guys hate going out with girls. we are so undecided and so easily distracted. haha. anyway it was great fun chionging around trying on clothes and camwhoring outside toilets. and i fell in love with pouffy who is a cousin of flouncy and jill will probably say that i have bad taste or whatever but i do love them both and always will. my heart is big enough for the two of you and your cousins and sisters to come, of beautiful things that i will never be able to possess. anyway i really do love you pouffy even though i gave you away to the girl in the changing room who fell head over heels over you after seeing me wear you. i wish you the best of luck and may she give you eternal happiness.

oh, did i tell you i'm mourning over the loss of pouffy? lol

and i really do need a new body. this weary and worn out shell is too decrepit for further usage. know anything up for sale?

2009-01-22T20:59:00.002+08:00

sometimes there just isn't any point in doing anything cos more often than not, people won't keep their promises, choosing instead to hide behind their moral smoke screens. it really makes me wonder why i try so hard.

some things just can't be helped i guess. and so is this yearning to not think about anything and just numb everything but that never does help. the facade can never be complete and no mask is ever perfect. one just needs to view things from the correct perspective to notice the crumbling away of the soul as if mice were nibbling away at it from inside.

just a little quiet time to recollect myself would be priceless but as always, life's never ebbing tide bears us on.

2009-01-14T21:37:00.003+08:00

because when dreams come crashing down, one either retreats into one's comfort zone or sets off on a separate path altogether.

and this is a new beginning.

would the new be able to stand firmly amongst the ruins of old? or would they too fall, undermined by not only life but also the remnants of the old?

but i will continue, for this is a new beginning.

2009-01-07T13:38:00.002+08:00

The rules:

Bold the statements that are true to you

Italise the statements that you WISH are true

Leave the Fibs alone

Then, stab 5 guys to do the same test.

I miss somebody right now.

I don't watch TV these days.

I own lots of books.

I wear glasses or contact lenses.

I love to play video games.

I've tried marijuana.

I have been in a threesome.

I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.

I believe honesty is usually the best policy.

I curse sometimes.

I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.

I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.

I'm TOTALLY smart.

I've broken someone's bones.

I'm paranoid sometimes.

I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.

I need money right now.

I love sushi.

I talk really, really fast.

I have long hair.

I have lost money in Las Vegas.

I have at least one sibling.

I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.

I couldn't survive without Caller I.D

I like the way I look

I am usually pessimistic.

I have a lot of mood swings.

I have a hidden talent.

I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.

I have a lot of friends.

I am currently single.

I have pecked someone of the same sex.

I enjoy talking on the phone.

I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.

I love to shop.

I enjoy window shopping.

I would rather shop then eat.

I don't hate anyone. I dislike them.

I'm a pretty good dancer.

I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.

I have a cell phone.

I believe in God.

I watch MTV on a daily basis.

I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.

I've rejected someone before.

I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I want to have children in the future.

I have changed a diaper before.

I've called the cops on a friend before.

I'm not allergic to anything.

I have a lot to learn.

I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.

I am shy around the opposite sex.

I have tried alcohol before.

I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.

I own the "South Park" movie.

I would die for my best friends.

I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.

I have used my sexuality to advance my career.

I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.

Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.

I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.

I have dated a close friend's ex.

I am happy at this moment!!

I'm obsessed with guys.

I study for tests most of the time.

I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.

I can work on a car.

I love my job.

I am comfortable with who i am right now.

I have more than just my ears pierced.

I walk barefoot whenever I can.

I have jumped off a bridge.

I love sea turtles.

I spend ridiculous money on makeup.

I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.

I'm proficient in a musical instrument.

I worked at McDonald's restaurant.

I hate office jobs.

I love sci-fi movies.

I think water rules.

I went college out of state.

I like sausage.

I love kisses.

I fall for the worst people.

I adore bright colours.

I can't live without black eyeliner.

I don't know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.

I usually like covers better than originals.

I can pick up things with my toes.

I can whistle.

I can move my tongue in waves. much like a snakes slither.

I have ridden/owned a horse.

I still have every journal I've ever written in.

I can't stick to a diet.

I talk in my sleep.

I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.

Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.

I have jazz in my blood.

I wear a toe ring.

I have a tattoo.

I can't stand at LEAST one person that I work with.

I am a caffeine junkie.

I know what cosplaying is.

I have been to over 15 conventions.

I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.

I'm an artist.

I only clean my room when necessary.

I like a person of the same sex.

I love being happy.

I am an adrenaline junkie.

Tagged: may, pocks, sherman, cheryl, jialing

2009-01-07T13:15:00.003+08:00

for every action, there might not necessarily be an equal and opposite reaction

and did i ever say that i hate to be alone? forgotten and alone.

but nvm.

2009-01-03T16:53:00.002+08:00

oh the irony of it all.

anyway it's a new year and i've done nothing to improve my life as usual. though i do think it'll be a good start to re-examine myself and actually start caring about my studies and all so that i can convince everyone that i can go to austria and still not screw up my a levels. and of course, there's the big question of what am i going to do with myself after that.

things aren't always as simple as they seem and nothing seems to allure me anymore. all my past dreams seem rather shallow and superficial now but then again, isn't everything that way? it's just how we perceive things that gives them their value. and if i'm going to continue being so jaded i guess it'll be kind of impossible for me to realise what i really do value and to pursue the dreams that i have not yet found. it's funny how last year seemed to be so full of promise but it only left me feeling drained and wondering if everything is worth it. maybe this year will be better. or not. whatever it is, the clock will keep on turning, so there.