Saturday, July 12, 2014 11:11 PM
"Beauty - the beauty Peter craves - is this, then: a human bundle of accidental grace and doom and hope. Mizzy must have hope, he must, he wouldn't shine like this if he were in true despair, and of course he's young, who in this world despairs more exquisitely than the young, it's something the old tend to forget. Here he is, Ethan aka the Mistake, shameless and wanton, addicted, unable to want whatever it is he believes he's supposed to want. This would be the moment to do him in bronze, to try to capture the aching raw nerves of him, the all-but-unbearable final stages of his youth shimmer, as he beings to understand that his condition, like everybody's, is serious, but before he begins to take the necessary steps to live semipeaceably in the actual world.
In the meantime, he needs not to die."
- "By Nightfall"
maybe this is why i like reading modernist works, despite the doom and gloom about them, the futility in their struggles, the never-ending circles. because it makes me believe that there is purpose and beauty in the struggle. Nothing may ever come out of it, but it is the process that is where the essence is. Not in the way the adage goes of process and not the end product that matters; even if the process is absolute crap, like Mizzy, wandering in circles, never quite knowing what to do with himself, that alone, that wandering, that wanting of something not quite known to oneself, that, is where the essence of living is.
sounds a bit weird when thinking about religion and the purpose of life. but i believe that the two are reconcilable, for it is not really us going out doing the Work, but Him, isn't it? we just flounder about, trying, and beauty happens.
that said, i do need to get that better incorporated into my living. not to say that i should drop out of life and go after every bubble that catches my fancy, rather, i should try, and try hard. regardless of the futility of trying, the hard knocks, the disappointments, and failures, try.
there's really no need in striving for perfection, to be genius in itself, a painting in the classical style or whatever it is - perfection is in trying, for when trying, one is elevated into beauty, not by oneself, but by the very Hand that guides and lifts.
it's hard trying to translate that to reality though, what with the daily grind and constant scrutiny, etc. there always will be the panic that one is not doing enough, that one is just not good enough. but, take a step back, and breathe. for remember, you will never be good enough, you will never do enough, but in simply being, one can be.